I refuse to be a digital template

I remember vividly the moment I started this project. I just quit a secretary job in a corporation convinced of the fact that I was going to lose myself in that trajectory. But behind this, on a deeper level it was an intuition or a premonition that the world is going to lose more and more of its emotional and humanistic nature. That everything will be turning more and more materialistic and everything that is on the artistic spectrum will decline more and more. To be honest, a sense of duty or intention grew in me, making me take choices without being very conscious about them back then. I felt that I needed to do something and that I had to be honest with this feeling more than anything. 

This was happening back in 2014.

So the idea of DUST (previous project name) came into my head with the following slogan “All we are is dust”. I don’t know why this particular name and I didn’t search for rational reasons and what was the meaning of it. Why do I have to do this? It was a very intuitive decision that it felt right for me. I was ready to put all the effort I can into making it take a real shape and put it out there. I knew that despite the difficulties and obstacles I faced, I was on the right path. That’s all I felt and knew. The details were not important on how and what shape and when and all the managerial planning that perhaps some people are making.

Almost 11 years have passed and now I am still the same. I still have this strong conviction, I still feel I am on the right path and I am still facing obstacles. One of the biggest challenges that I am facing, I think it’s the constant outside pressure from the entire society is pressing against individualistic, creative and artistic people to fit the norm. I feel it in the bones and just saying that it’s illusory and it doesn’t matter would be lying to myself. It pushes you into a dark corner where it’s making you doubt every single moment of your life. It isolates you from people. It makes you appear…insane. And despite this, I still do it. Because lying to myself just to fit the template, would hurt me more than having the imaginary realization that I am being accepted by people. That I am important.

It’s a very lonely place, no matter how much we want to think otherwise. Because it is difficult to be honest and stick to your personal values, in a world that turns everything into a consumer relationship by making you believe that in this way you are being valued. Marketing your personal life, your personal dreams, your relationship, your art. Your art! A thing so fragile and precious. And despite this wave of intense fireball of hate, you have to keep going and be kind and create value. Because ultimately this is all it’s about. Value. It’s not about fitting, it’s not about knowing rationally the universal law of consciousness, it’s not about having power. It’s about creating value and what you bring to the table so that the whole life’s existence can benefit from. The whole idea of separation it’s a whole mental construction made by our limited human perception and instead of working together to grow this awareness we find ways imposed by a very powerful ego to put barriers and limits and social constructs. 

How many people out there are stopping from what they are doing and thinking about this? What is the purpose of what I am doing? It is just an endless pursuit of commodities and “happy” life? Is it the constant attention that I am getting? Despite popularity and people around you and the comfortable life, what are you doing day by day to be of value? Is it just knowing stuff, is it constant digital socialization? Didn’t you have moments when you said to yourself, “ok, I need to balance out this ego voice in my head that tells me to continually pursue things that bring momentary release from this life”. Because inevitably this should happen from time to time with growing, maturing and through experience. 

I sometimes stop from the race and ask myself things. I don’t succeed all the time but at least I try. And these moments are like closing chapters in a book for me, because by doing this I can learn and see what I am doing and where I am going. That is why I felt the need to write this text and share my ultimate thoughts here. I believe honesty and truth should prevail and I will fight to protect my dignity as a person and protect my values.

I don’t want to fit any of the stuff that I am creating just to make myself known or make money or get attention and I refuse to let myself be a victim of constant greed that is being fed into our hearts everyday by social media. I don’t care about algorithms or if you like what I do or if I am pretty or any of these things. But I can not lie that it doesn’t hurt sometimes to be ignored, to be undervalued, to not be appreciated for hours, days, months, years of constant work. And I ask myself why I am still doing this? I could just ignore all this, live my life, have a high paid job and just enjoy my free time? I could do that and that is absolutely fine if you want to do it. It is your choice and you have to live with it, existence after existence. 

I can not. It is an excruciating pain to be conscious and pretend not to be. Like Cypher, enjoying the juicy rare steak. And when everything arounds you fights for you to give up on this, that’s when you know you are doing the right thing.

I started working on a short movie 2 years ago. It is still not ready because life intervenes. But I won’t give up. I am still trying to finesse it and polish it and add a brick there and there. And probably just 2 or 3 people will watch it and it won’t matter for people that will see it. It doesn’t matter, I know, but for someone who is investing a lot of their time and energy into it, it matters, deep down without hiding the emotion. But knowing that I haven’t made it and choosing to just give up and continue my life as before is more painful than being this human fragile thing that from time to time asks herself some questions. So I am not ashamed of feeling this way or talking about it on this digital wasteland. Yes, a very well marketed reel of 60 sec is more popular than years of my life. Popular for what? What is even that? How do we end up value these things? 

I refuse to think like this with all my heart not just my brain. And if this means isolation and the label of insane, I am actually at the point in my life where I am ok with it. 

Remember to live in a way that is true to you.